Naked and Afraid: Reno Anecdote of the Day

No photos to accompany this little tale, but you’ll thank me for that shortly.  So, as I’ve mentioned a time or 80, we are undertaking some fairly major renovations in our condo apartment – new bathroom, new flooring throughout, so absolutely everything is torn up right now and we have no access to proper plumbing.  We do, however, live in a building with an indoor pool and attached change rooms, so we’re able to nip on down there when the nature need strikes.  We’re really, really fortunate in that regard – bathroom renovations are such a bitch, man.

But it’s somewhat difficult to plan a biological function that generally does not wish to be planned, which means Mr. Finger Candy and I have been running down to the change rooms at all hours of the day, including last night at a quarter to midnight when I walked in on two of my neighbours having sex in the change room sauna.  Had the two trashy perverts just stayed IN the sauna, I never would have seen them.  There’s a tiny little window notched in the wooden sauna door, and by principle, I never, ever look through that window, because I know what I’m most likely going to see – one of my very elderly neighbours sprawled out on a towel, schvitzing in the altogether.

But these two panicked when they heard me coming through the outer doors and tried to bolt for the pool doors, unsuccessfully.  That’s when I come around the corner and find the male half of the couple, equipment not remotely covered by his hands, frantically jigging across the change room while his lady screams, “THAT’S JUST MY HUSBAND!!!” at me.  Just?  Yes, sweetheart, I can now confirm that that is indeed “just” your husband and “just” his rapidly departing winky all up in my legitimate bathroom business at a quarter to freaking midnight on a weeknight (weeknight, weekend, it doesn’t really matter, but I guess whenever and wherever the urge strikes, huh?)  Although as I queried a friend this morning, who decides that the very best time and place to get yer freak on is a ladies room sauna in a condominium run by a bunch of uppity 80-year-olds at a quarter to midnight on a Thursday night?  Have some standards, people!  And please to be removing your nut sack from atop that wooden bench, thanks. 😦

Reno life, friends – I don’t recommend it!  Now I’m going to return to the mind-numbing task of just sitting here “supervising” the contractors, which is actually me joshing with the plumbers in between developing an intense, dirty old lady-ish crush on this 20-year-old British scuzzbag named Yungblud who looks like walking syphilis (this video for a song called 11 Minutes, featuring Halsey and Travis Barker, is INCREDIBLE; I miss the golden age of videos, and this one delivers.)  He’s got that real ugly/handsome, Adam Driver-esque thing going on, and I’m obsessed with staring at his interestingly imperfect face.  He’s also not a bad musician.  Seriously, 22 years my junior or no, I just want to haul him down to the change room, toss his sketch ass in the shower for a good de-lousing and then bang in the sauna.

Sorry for the TMI (did you really need to know that I want to jump some jailbait who looks like a chihuahua with its face smashed in?) but I also may be round-the-clock high on off-gassing flooring materials.  So you might be getting Extra Truthful Blogging Action Figure Sandra today.  Hmm, best scamper on out of here before I start pontificating on politics or something else that will get me in trouble.  Happy weekend, friends – may your change rooms be free of naked neighbours and your YouTube playlists filled with sketchy British musicians. 🙂

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Dispatches From the Reno Zone

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This little anecdote pretty well sums up our experience here in our condo while we’ve been gutting and renovating our bathroom: The water has been fully shut off for about two days now, but we’ve been lucky enough to have access to a full change room bathroom down by the indoor pool.  Can’t say I love padding down to a humid public change room at midnight in my jammies to tend to those pesky human nature needs, but I really am beyond grateful for access to on-site indoor plumbing; we are far luckier than others in our position (thinking of friends of mine with five-year-old twins and one bathroom who are contemplating extensive renovations to their home.  Feel free to come over here, guys, when the time comes – there are showers and a sauna!)

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But perhaps my friends won’t wish to take me up on my oh-so kind offer once they read about this morning’s adventure, which found me down in the bathroom about 6 am washing my face and brushing my teeth while my 83-year-old neighbour stood beside me stark bucking naked and talked into the mirror at me for five solid minutes about the plight of our city’s migratory birds (the weather’s been total winter crap, and the early birds can’t find food.  I think I would have been much more interested and engaged had my neighbour not delivered this sad news to me in the softly jiggling altogether.)  I do not even know this woman’s name, and I really didn’t take the time to enquire.

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Anyhow!  Piles of dust and a sledged-out toilet and starkers neighbours, oh my.

I do not recommend extensive renovations, friends, if you live in a condo.  Or possibly ever.  More updates to follow – just hopefully none having to do with my naked neighbours. 😉

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