That’s a $5 Shake!

Milkshake Better BottleThe good, the bad and the ugly on this lacquer, Dollish Polish’s Pretty F*cking Good Milkshake, breaks down as follows:

The Good: The name is everything! This is another pick from Dollish’s Pulp Fiction Collection, this time a slightly shimmery pale pink studded with red, yellow, green and white matte glitter. Its name is inspired by a favourite scene in which John Travolta’s Vincent Vega takes Uma Thurman’s gangster wife Mia Wallace out to dinner, expressing utter incredulity when she orders a $5 milkshake.

The Bad: Names aren’t everything! And since you can’t paint a name on your nails, it renders the point of a pop culture-centric nail polish totally moot, especially when it is of as poor a formulation as Pretty F*cking Good Milkshake. Keen readers will note that this is the third such Dollish Polish I’ve run across in as many weeks to trade quality for cutesie, something I was once willing to write off as an anomaly but now see has become an actual aggravating trend. Like You’ve Got Red On You and I Myself Am Strange and Unusual and I Threw My Pie For You (an Orange is the New Black-inspired polish I have no pictures of, as it was very much like trying to paint my nails with actual pie filling), Milkshake is just this side of unusable. It’s thick, but dry, and wants to pull off the ends of my nails in fine little threads. The pale pink base and large matte glitter also do their part to make this polish a no-go, with the sheer base requiring multiple, multiple coats for full opacity (I used six coats here and a coat of Seche Vite) and the heavier glitter doing its best to pull it right back off your nails again. And not for nothing, but Mia Wallace orders a Martin & Lewis-style shake, which is straight-up vanilla, meaning creamy white (cute though this Strawberry Shortcake-hued colour combo might be.)

The Ugly: Dollish Polish’s products have been irritatingly inconsistent, waffling between the best polish I’ve ever owned (the pale yellow Get Your Sprinkle On!) and the very worst (the aforementioned I Threw My Pie For You; the first polish I’ve ever just outright binned, actually.) I’m willing to run with the theory that like most polishes, Dollish’s lacquers operate best in a full size bottle as opposed to the minis I typically purchase, but that doesn’t excuse other minor aggravations like colour-settling and streaking.

You might be looking at these pictures and thinking, “That looks pretty all right; what the heck is she talking about?” But please keep in mind that while I am not a nail professional (I just play one on the Internet!) I have a lot of experience painting my nails with what I term “difficult” glitters, and if I’m having trouble wrangling a mani in anything less than six coats, what about the nail newbie? Like my Pulp Fiction-loving, nearly new mom best friend, who (spoiler!) I recently sent a bottle of Milkshake to, who in very short order will not have all the time in the world to sit around while she waits for infinity coats of nail polish to dry. Nothing should be this much work, as pretty as the end result might be.Milkshake Hand

Ooh, Naughty!

EMF Do You CollageI’ve spent the past couple of days painting a livingroom’s worth of Ikea bookcases so they look like anything other than Ikea bookcases. Taking them from black MDF to whitewashed wood has been fussy, messy, painstaking work, and although I’ve yet to break a nail (cue that misfortune in five, four, three…) my nails look a FRIGHT. Even if I had managed to find a bit of time to work on some nail art, I’d still have to scrape about a half inch of white latex off my mitts first, and at this point, that’s simply a bridge too far! I can barely even motivate in the direction of the kitchen so I can make myself some dinner. I’ve been imploring the cats to fetch me chow and libations, but so far they ain’t biting (although they might if I keep nagging them!)

So it’s a wonderful thing indeed that I have a couple of these swatchy-type posts in reserve for just such a rainy painty day. Like yesterday’s post, this is another Dollish Polish lacquer, this time the hilariously named English Motherf*cker, Do You Speak It? from their somewhat recently released Pulp Fiction Collection. It bears quite the dirty name for such a ladylike-looking polish, which is of course precisely why I bought it! Unlike yesterday’s post, however, this polish is the total package – gorgeous sandy rose colour, fabulous, creamy consistency and a totally badass name. A solid winner, no question, and thankfully the polar opposite of yesterday’s Dollish disappointment. Lovely, lovely.

Bejeweled

Toastess CollageThe last time I used this glitter polish, KB Shimmer’s Toast-ess With the Mostest, I paired it with an ultra pale pink in a just-the-tips-of-my-nails gradient. This time I’m going for a top-down approach that sees Toast-ess teamed up with Dollish Polish’s Pulp Fiction-themed rose shimmer, English Motherf*cker, Do You Speak It? Pushing Toast-ess’s gold, silver and rose-hued glitter – including gigantic, rainbow-throwing holographic circles – up towards my cuticles in a kind of half moon sort of makes it look like my fingernails are sporting little crowns or really bizarrely-placed rings. Plus I just love pairing such a ladylike look with a base polish with “motherf*cker” in its title.Toastess Inside Fingers