That’s a $5 Shake!

Milkshake Better BottleThe good, the bad and the ugly on this lacquer, Dollish Polish’s Pretty F*cking Good Milkshake, breaks down as follows:

The Good: The name is everything! This is another pick from Dollish’s Pulp Fiction Collection, this time a slightly shimmery pale pink studded with red, yellow, green and white matte glitter. Its name is inspired by a favourite scene in which John Travolta’s Vincent Vega takes Uma Thurman’s gangster wife Mia Wallace out to dinner, expressing utter incredulity when she orders a $5 milkshake.

The Bad: Names aren’t everything! And since you can’t paint a name on your nails, it renders the point of a pop culture-centric nail polish totally moot, especially when it is of as poor a formulation as Pretty F*cking Good Milkshake. Keen readers will note that this is the third such Dollish Polish I’ve run across in as many weeks to trade quality for cutesie, something I was once willing to write off as an anomaly but now see has become an actual aggravating trend. Like You’ve Got Red On You and I Myself Am Strange and Unusual and I Threw My Pie For You (an Orange is the New Black-inspired polish I have no pictures of, as it was very much like trying to paint my nails with actual pie filling), Milkshake is just this side of unusable. It’s thick, but dry, and wants to pull off the ends of my nails in fine little threads. The pale pink base and large matte glitter also do their part to make this polish a no-go, with the sheer base requiring multiple, multiple coats for full opacity (I used six coats here and a coat of Seche Vite) and the heavier glitter doing its best to pull it right back off your nails again. And not for nothing, but Mia Wallace orders a Martin & Lewis-style shake, which is straight-up vanilla, meaning creamy white (cute though this Strawberry Shortcake-hued colour combo might be.)

The Ugly: Dollish Polish’s products have been irritatingly inconsistent, waffling between the best polish I’ve ever owned (the pale yellow Get Your Sprinkle On!) and the very worst (the aforementioned I Threw My Pie For You; the first polish I’ve ever just outright binned, actually.) I’m willing to run with the theory that like most polishes, Dollish’s lacquers operate best in a full size bottle as opposed to the minis I typically purchase, but that doesn’t excuse other minor aggravations like colour-settling and streaking.

You might be looking at these pictures and thinking, “That looks pretty all right; what the heck is she talking about?” But please keep in mind that while I am not a nail professional (I just play one on the Internet!) I have a lot of experience painting my nails with what I term “difficult” glitters, and if I’m having trouble wrangling a mani in anything less than six coats, what about the nail newbie? Like my Pulp Fiction-loving, nearly new mom best friend, who (spoiler!) I recently sent a bottle of Milkshake to, who in very short order will not have all the time in the world to sit around while she waits for infinity coats of nail polish to dry. Nothing should be this much work, as pretty as the end result might be.Milkshake Hand

The Evil Red

You've Got Red On You CollageThat’s a bit of a play on words (when is it not?) but also how I feel about this polish, one of those looks-can-be-deceiving troublemakers that simply does not play well with others. This is You’ve Got Red On You, a Shaun of the Dead-themed lacquer from Dollish Polish’s recently released Cult Movie Classics Collection. I want to love this polish SO MUCH, because I’m nothing if not a devoted Shaun of the Dead fan (not to mention a lover of glittery red nailstuffs) but it’s being needlessly cavalier with my affections. Formula-wise, it’s problematic, gooping up thickly on the brush and spreading out on my nails about as well as pie filling. Amazingly enough, neither one of those is a total deal breaker with me (high gloss topcoats eradicate nearly all nail sins; these nails are sporting one thick coat of Seche Vite to even out the bumpies) but in combination with its appearance on the nail – dark at my tips, light at my cuticles and lacking in any true visual depth – I’m unsold. Except for that part where I bought it, so actually, that would make it really rather sold! A miss, and a waste of a perfectly droll Shaun of the Dead quote.

There might also be a small lesson in here on why you shouldn’t buy polishes based on their cutesie names, but since I’m currently eyeing up a lime green holo that goes by the moniker Holiday Road, that’s obviously a lesson I’ve yet to learn! Um, do as I say, not as I do, friends? 😉

Daredevil

Daredevil FingersAre you watching it? You should be watching it. Hell(‘s Kitchen), I should be watching it. Right now! Mr. Finger Candy binge-watched it pretty much the instant Netflix made it available for streaming, and I watched enough here and there to get me interested in settling in for a good old binge of my own. Daredevil’s my kind of superhero – neither super nor a hero, just one righteously pissed off dude on a mission (see also the Punisher, Batman and, to a lesser extent, the Crow – sure, he’s brought back to life through supernatural means, but for one very specific purpose, and the second he goes off script, he suffers. Again. Because the life and death of Eric Draven can’t be anything but endless friggin’ suffering. I mean, have you heard the man’s “music”? Tortured and torturous.)

But to bring it back to Daredevil, the Marvel television show currently airing on Netflix, one of my favourite things about it so far is the show’s opening credits sequence. There’s just some supremely cool graphics work at play, as thick, viscous-looking ropes of dark red fluid stream over top of landmark buildings and locations in the Daredevil Universe, running down off the screen. This show is bloody, so that fluid is most likely actual blood that Daredevil has bludgeoned out of some hapless underworld type, although it could also be rubber, like his super suit. Or it’s what blind lawyer Matt Murdock, Daredevil’s daytime alter ego, sees after losing most of his eyesight as a child in a chemical accident (why is there always some vat of acid just laying around all unattended in the super worlds?) I actually think it might be Daredevil’s sense of ennui come to thick, smothering life – brother’s so beat-down, he makes Batman look like a ray of sunshine in a pink party dress.

These nails, a red-on-red, shiny-on-matte mani, are inspired by Daredevil’s badass credits sequence. Here I topped three coats of Dollish Polish’s You’ve Got Red On You with one coat of Essie’s Matte About You before brushing on the shiny dripping lines with a tiny detail brush dipped in L’Oreal’s dark red Now You See Me. Plus a whole load of aggravating cleanup, because bloody red is just a total jerk to work with, something I think both nail artists and Daredevil can attest to!Daredevil Hand